Sunday, 31 March 2019

Interogation at the Site of Conflict

I've been away a while. I know, trust me, I know. Every few weeks someone asks me about how the blog is going and for the last three months I've been saying 'its been a while but I think I'll go back to it this week'. Thankfully fewer people have ventured as far as to ask why I stepped away.

The truth is as they often say...complicated. I guess a foundational issue arose when I started asking myself why exactly I enjoyed blogging. Is it because I like the ability to document thoughts and opinions or the thrill and anxiety of sharing that with an audience? It's both of these things. I enjoy both these aspects, the sense of accomplishment when I'm able to articulate my internal musings into text and the exciting nervousness that someone might see it and agree, challenge or disagree with me.

But, and I've addressed it many times before in the blog, the blogosphere is not what is used to be. For me, between 2014-2017 it quickly evolved into a battle ground where each individual was coerced to either participate in the numbers game or stand in the minority and be silent. I'm not a lazy person but I don't have the time nor energy to compete with bots for attention.  And I don't necessarily want to speak out to the masses but I certainly don't want my voice to be buried beneath the persistent onslaught of homogeneous content either. I was hating the game and hating the rules.

Amidst all this I just kept telling myself to stop being an 'attention seeker'. I didn't know how to navigate between my aversion for attention seeking and wanting to harness the tools of the blogging platform to somehow connect with others. So well, I stepped away.

External of my mind and heart, there were also pressures in life that added to feeling of depletion. I could easily chuck my absence on the loss of my paternal grandfather, break-up of a near three year relationship, my stress at work and sense of lost self but I'd be lying. Although influential, this blog and all my blogs before it have always been a place where I've divulged, scrutinized and discovered things about myself through rambled writings and long sentences that'd make my secondary school English teacher puke up her stomach. It's the place where I've come to talk in detail about these things when I've exhausted all my real life connections about them. 

I did a shameful thing stepping away, a betrayal of self. I've gone absent in the past but never so consciously. I thought of returning just as abruptly and unannounced but to clear my guilty conscience, I decided against. Instead I'll pledge to myself to do better and if I decide to step away again, it'll be the end of Albatroz & Co. altogether. Hopefully though that doesn't happen.

A foreword for how I will be publishing from now. I'm not sure what shape of theme the posts I write will take but I'll be looking more to explore things that interest me and may be of interest to some of ye. During college time I'll post once a week and outside that twice a week.

I'll share these on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and will try to do the regular monthly newsletter so if you're not already signed up, get on it! In the newsletter I'll be sharing my monthly challenges and other bits and bobs from my personal life that may not make it to the blog for a few weeks due to how scheduling works.

Finally, I'd like to extend a formal apology and a thank you to everyone that asks me about the blog while I was away. You were all a constant reminder that there is something I enjoy and that others can enjoy it too. Thank you.

And to show my appreciation and happiness to be back, there's a second post waiting for ya. I've neatly packaged everything that's been happening in 5 wee points to bring y'all up to date so we can start off on the same foot. Check it out here!

Till Next Time

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