Wednesday, 8 November 2017

What Its Like To Fear Failure and then Fail

Dublin, Ireland

So a funny thing happened in college. Basically I was really worried that I wasn't good enough to pass my photography class at the level I thought I could and then my photography lecturer told me that yes I'm definitely not good enough, in fact I'm struggling. Now isn't that the gosh darn funniest thing you've heard all year? Yeah me too.

As a child and for the early stages of my teenage years I would sit when told to sit, walk when told to walk, eat when told etc. I didn't do much that wasn't what was asked or expected of me. When I first started blogging as a way to start finding my own voice and with all projects that I have ever taken on, there's always been a strong fear of failure. Fear that by not following some plan set in place by another who probably knows better than I, I'd undoubtedly fail.

In going out on my own, I would fail and confirm my inadequacy. The skills and characteristics I pride myself on will be proven useless and I'll revert back to a routine of structures and processes I can follow strictly.

So yeah receiving this news for a short while threw me back into the deep end of that feeling of failure and inadequacy, a place I've slowly swam out of the last few years. Now I'm a better swimmer than I was back then so I've managed to move away from the deep end and can feel my toes touching ground again but I've come back with a little nugget of new perspective.

I tried so hard to please the opinion of this one lecturer, so afraid of what they'd say that I sabotaged myself. Every click of my camera or thought about this module has been an almost unhealthy obsession with what they would say to the point of simply tiring myself out and giving up. My work could be a lot better than what I have produced but it could also be worse.

For all my fear of failure am I not just setting myself up to fail if all I see is what I'm failing to do right or perfectly according to someone else's subjective views? I feel like I have this talk with myself every few months where I have to reassure myself of where I am, where I've been and where I'm going.

I'm tired of the sound of my own voice in my own head. I feel like I have let the Hormone Montress from Big Mouth inhabit my body whilst I took a little gander off with the fairies.

There's been a lot of complaining, worrying and negativity underlying all these beautiful lovely moments I'm having the last few months. It's just time for an attitude detox and the clock has struck thirteen. I'm not worried about failing this module, just a little disappointed with how it's gone so far. However, it's a nice lesson to brush up on again so early in this course so I remember why I am here and who I'm doing this for.

So yes I'm failing at the very thing I didn't want to fail at but I guess all I needed was a strongly opiniated lecturer to stump on me and remind me of who I am, someone who doesn't like being stumped on!

What character flaws do you find yourself slipping into periodically but learning from?

Till Next Time

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1 comment so far

  1. Important to try and take criticism on board if you want to grow — if it's true and helpful, use it and learn, if it's ill-judged, or just plain wrong, let it go. Well done


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