Wednesday, 7 September 2016

A Letter To My Ex-Best Friend

Before I start, I'd just like to say that I actually had a post scheduled for last Sunday but when I went to publish it, I realized I did not like what I had written. Having reread the post, I was faced with paragraph upon paragraph of what could only be described as complaints and self-pity. You see, towards the end of last week I found myself being bummed out about a few things, my family, starting university, getting back into a working routine and thinking too much about life and the people in my life etc. and not quite having my bearings, I was all over the place. 

It all began on Monday with a trip up the mountains with a friend which brought me to these beautiful foggy sights. Whilst others complained that the fog took away from the beautiful views that could be seen on sunnier days, I was in complete disagreement. The fog added a sense of mystery and an undeniable beauty to the forests and it's windy paths and I couldn't get enough of it. Besides when the sun did come out, it wasn't that pretty anyways.

Whilst my friend tore down the mountain biking trails, I went on little hikes to the various viewpoints. Being completely immersed in nature always evokes feelings of gratitude and deep contentment. It makes me feel as if anything is possible which when you're standing in a forest on a mountain, can be expected. It also makes me feel safer in my thoughts and triggers many things for me. Any time spent in nature can have me crying with happiness or sadness, feeling prepared for the world or buried under its weight.

On this particular day I found myself reflecting on the topics that have been causing many sleepless nights for me. It seems every time I feel I've come to a stand with them, they rear their ugly heads further down the line and the false sense of security I'd lured myself into falls apart, over and over again.

One thing that always comes up to mind in my sombre moments is also the one thing I don't think I'll ever be able to get over. It is even more brought into focus at this time of my life where I am starting university and worrying about making friends and whether they'll be the right group of friends, whether we'll have lots in common or not and so on.

I am the kind of person that values the relationships I have with the people in my life. There is nothing better than knowing someone else wants you in their life as much as you want them in yours and then puts in the time and effort it takes to fortify your bond. It is a game of giving and taking but respecting each other enough to not abuse either and most importantly not taking each other for granted.

I learned this lesson the hard way and it will live to be my biggest regret in life. If you fail to see the value of the people in your life then how will you be able to appreciate them? Six years ago I hurt a very dear friend of mine and I am not proud of it. The stab of pain and at times loss of breath the sight of them evokes in me is one of an unrequited love the movies will never be able to capture. When they say you never know what you have until it's gone, believe me when I say, you don't want to understand it on this level. She was my best friend and I took her for granted and ended up losing someone very special.

In an attempt to seek some form of closure with this topic, I've decided to write them a letter which they'll probably never read because the truth is, it hurts too much. However in the case that you are reading this, just know that each and every word of this letter is true. I can't let what happened to us stop me from making friends

A Letter To My Ex-Best Friend

The deleted Facebook request hurt, the fact that you cross to the other side of the road every time we meet hurt, ignoring my attempts to start a conversation hurt but not as much as staring at your freshly painted red door that hot summer afternoon. The look of pure disdain on your face still flickers behind my closed eyes when times get bad and I miss you too much. I sometimes wonder what we'd be like if we'd stuck together but I can't let myself go down that path, it too, like everything about you hurts.

This must've been how you felt. I guess because I don't really know. Those short walks of you trying to explain how you felt never really reached an end. You always had to go home when it got too much for you. You didn't say anything but I knew. You were in pain and I was fumbling for words. What was I to say except sorry? The damage was done but I thought we could repair it, only I didn't know how.

To tell you the truth I still don't know what I did. There was foul play I didn't know how to fight. Twisted words and opinions I couldn't begin to defend, still cannot defend because they have no roots.  I took you for granted and didn't give you enough time, for this I am deeply sorry but whatever you were led to believe, I never broke your trust in me and I never will. I still see your aunt and cousins and we share a smile. Sometimes I wonder if your dog remembers me, he was only young back then.

I sometimes think...hope life will bring us together again, you'd think with all our mutual friends we'd cross paths more often but I'm always watching you walk away from me instead. Besides, I still won't know what to say, how to act, how you would feel. God knows I only wish you the best in life and if that means walking on never colliding paths then please be happy.

I was bad to you, I know that now but I would like to thank you for teaching me the importance of friends and helping me become the person I am today. Maybe someday we'll be able to try again but holding my breath these six years is killing me and I can't do it any longer. I wish you a long, happy and joyful life even if you've changed your mind about marrying Nick Jonas.

Till We Meet Again

5 comments so far

  1. What a beautiful post. The photos are stunning and I agree with you, the fog adds to the mysterious atmosphere and lets the location appear even more beautiful. I don't know if that helps but I had pretty bad experiences with friendship and spent the longest time of my high school in a destructive one. I only realised that after finishing school but two years forwards I don't hold a grudge any more even though she constantly stabbed me in the back. And the difference between you two seems to be that you are truly sorry - if she regretted what she had done it might have saved the friendship. But I don't think she will ever change as a person. Anyway, the person I am talking about was so manipulative that I ended up hurting others while trying to fight for her (as stupid as this sounds) and she was all about excluding others etc. I also regret a lot of things that happened and I think that the most important thing isn't never going wrong but learning from mistakes and apologising. xx

    1. The fog definitely deserved some credit hahaha
      I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, that's really not the kind of person you'd want in your life and reading it from your point of view I do understand where my friend is coming from. I would agree that if someone is that manipulative in nature and not only hurts you but causes you to hurt others in defense of her and shows no remorse then it is definitely a lesson to be taken on board and moved on from like you did. I'm glad you hold no grudges against her cause that would really only hold you back and not them from moving on.
      Thank you so much for sharing this Mira, and you are completely right, mistakes are to be learned from not to turn us bitter.

      Ama xxx

  2. Your photos look stunning! I love how fog plays so wonderfully in these shots and I am so sorry to hear about this bad experience. But sometimes it's inevitable. Also, it does look like she didn't try a lot to save the friendship. It may be hard for you, I know, it is hard, but maybe it's for the best for now :)

    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

    1. Thank you Leta, I think the dog takes all the credit for this, my photography skills aren't actually this good hahaha
      Sometimes it is hard to come to terms with the inevitable things in life, I know friends come and go and good ones drift away,I guess, I'd have wanted it to be under better circumstances but you are definitely right, maybe it is best for now.

      Ama xxx


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