Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Lessons in Honesty

I have felt very limited in my writing for quite some time now and I think, no, I know, the biggest contributor to this is the fact that I haven't been able to be very honest with myself within my own space. Of course when you choose to live a piece of your life on the world wide web for all to see you have to be fairly careful what you reveal. Not particularly for with the intention to deceive or mislead but mostly for self-protection. There is a great deal of vulnerability for those people such as bloggers and YouTubers who share personal details of their lives with the global community. A vulnerability that doesn't come with the protection of hired bodyguards and high secured mansions celebrities enjoy. I have always been keenly aware of the lack of this lack of security. As such I have been careful what I write, ensuring that not one is implicated in any defamatory ways, no one's security is put at risk or is offended.

However this was not always the case, when I first started blogging with my very first blog, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (yeah I know, I'm terrible but I was twelve) I wasn't quite so careful. Of course I made sure to never offend purposefully, but that didn't mean I didn't give my opinion ( and then bite off all my nails terrified that someone might find it offensive). Back then my mentality was, 'my blog is my space where I share my life and people can read it if they want to but if they don't want to then they don't have to because this is what they see is what they get' and that was that. Somewhere along the way I started adapting my writing to fit what I thought people wanted to read. I started seeking attention once I was somewhat comfortable with expressing myself because I wanted people to know that 'hey I have a voice and you should listen to me cause I'm a really cool person online' ( which I wasn't, I was being an eejit but please forgive me puberty and I weren't very good friends.)

I remember nights spent in front of my old (SUPER slow) computer which my teacher had fixed up and given me out of goodwill, writing posts about how to keep your hair healthy during winter or how to dress for your body type. I doubt the people reading these posts knew there was some kid wasting time learning about all this junk instead of actually doing her homework or sleeping ( which my mother wasn't happy about) but I was happy with the attention ( it's sad, trust me, I know) so I did what I had to to get it. I went back and forth between being myself and being a blogger in its purest form, someone who writes something on a blog.

When I started Albatroz & Co. I wanted things to be different. I was uping my game but I wanted to always stay me. I chose I name that I felt would get across the Boss Ass B*tch vibe and also I just really loved the song by AronChupa. But I took out the 'a' to make it slightly more original. I wanted to stay original. Buuut old habits die hard. I had gained confidence and established a solid foundation of my personality from the years of blogging that I had done prior to Albatroz & Co. and I was finally ready to continue experiencing and discovering me whilst sharing my views of the world in my own space in my own way.

But I was seventeen and at seventeen I'm still pretty much a child and highly prone to changing my mind a lot. I convinced myself having minimal writing, as in one or two paragraphs, on each post was sufficient for a minimalistic vibe. I don't know if you've noticed, but you're on the fifth paragraph of this post, imagine trying to fit all this craziness in two!

Whereas some might be put off by the fact that they have nothing interesting in their life to talk about, I had a buttload of things happening in my life to talk about. Like my crazy family, and I know everyone says that, but not everyone has a member of their family living in a different home with different people and in different countries, but hey, I do. But these were things I was embarrassed about sharing, I didn't want my family to be 'broken and shitty like everyone else's'- quoting Juno (movie), I wanted a happy normal family and if I couldn't have that then I'd blog about the latest D.I.Y I did instead and no one will be the wiser.

There's been some recent developments in my life and I've come to understand that, my life is what I make it. I can be influenced by the actions and opinions of others but the course of my life can neither be paved of shaped by the actions or words of anyone but myself. I am not every single member of my family, or those in the circle of friends and they are not me. I cannot answer for their actions and they cannot answer for mine. We can only help each other grow into the people we want to be ourselves, nothing more. And when we are unable to do that we start to have negative effects on each other and that is when you know it is time to walk away.

So this is me walking away. Away from the shame and embarrassment I felt that held me back from truly being myself. Away from feeling as if I have to atone for the wrongdoings of others. Away from the darkness and secrecy and lies. I've got some great stories which are mine to share when I please but I want to make better memories.

So yes, that is just something I felt I needed to get off my chest as some sort of mini closure. It appears I've been closing a lot of doors and crossing bridges lately. Continuously looking forward to the doors to come and the bridges yet to be crossed. 

How are you feeling about where you are in your life right now? Are you facing changes or looking forward to anything? I'd love if you'd share?

I hope you enjoyed reading this post as much as I did writing it.

Till next time my pretties xxx

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