I was hurting and yes you might think so what, everyone is hurt is someway but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to feel my own pain. I lied to myself and for so long denied myself the right to feel because of course there will always be someone with bigger problems than me, but my problems are problems too and I deserved to be able to deal with them whether it meant I cried for three days and ate my weight in Maltesers and popcorn while watching every movie that has ever made me tear up, I deserved to.
'Pain demands to be felt' -John Green.
Now things are different. Not perfect but a heck of a lot better.
I'm learning and accepting me. I can be quiet, I can be extremely loud. I can go a whole day without saying a word ( okay, maybe not the whole day but a lot of it) and somedays you won't be able to shut me up.
I fall over my own feet, other people's feet although they are no where near me and even when I'm standing alone with nothing in close proximity. I constantly walk into things, doors, cars, fire extinguishers, children, lamp posts, the list goes on. I plead with inanimate objects to obey me and never know what to wear even though my wardrobe can barely hold the mountain of clothes I'm lucky to have.
I like to laugh, a lot, when I'm alone and with others. I have a sense of humor, that can be described as odd at times. I can be really sarcastic and I can also be very oblivious. I'm hopeless with technology and iPhones really confuse me.I don't reply to text messages nearly as fast as I should or at all sometimes, I can't hold conversations over social media, I don't know what it is but I never know what to say cause I can't see the other person.
I'm incredibly forgetful, I have a memory span that could rival Dory's. I mean come on, who forgets their own birthday two years in a roll? I live on to do lists even though most days I don't complete them.
I don't like to beat around the bush and will always give my honest opinion if you ask for it ( as nicely as possible of course, but it won't be sugarcoated). I don't say things that'll make people like me and following the crowd isn't exactly my signature trait, or one at all.
I never look cool using slang words, for some reasons I just can't! LOL. See, not me is it? 'Cool' is overrated anyways. Now, Class, that's something.
I'm not a completely open person with everyone but I'm learning when it's time to talk to someone and get things off my chest.
I am surrounded by beautiful strong women, inside and out shaped by life, its ups and its downs who continue to teach me and show me the kind of mother, wife, sister and woman I want to be someday when I am where they are. Men who are like fathers, protective, caring and constant.
Although I haven't been good at going to them in the past, I have friends I know are always there for me and I'll be there for. My best confidantes and therapists. They make me laugh and will probably cry with me too ( if I did that with people around), keep me updated on things cause I'm always skipping out of 'the loop' , know how to party even if it's just chinese and pizza and always keep things real...real-ly interesting that is. They're the best there is.
I'm thankful for all that I have and to be where I am today, able to look back on the last 17 years of living and finally be able to understand why some things happen the way they do. I'm going to be 18 soon, not for a month and a bit but I'm happy to think I'll be legally a woman with a clear conscious and a past to move on from.
I'm weird, I'm awkward, I'm a walking contradiction and so incredibly me. And that's pretty good to know.
Till next time my pretties xxx
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